Tuesday, March 16, 2010

A Public Service Announcement: The more you gnow(m)

Traveling across the landscape of Azeroth, it may happen that you come across a creature so evil, so foul that you may wonder how such a being even came into existence. Was this a practical joke by some omnipotent, creator-being? Perhaps a foul plan put into motion by evil creatures that dwell in the shadows awaiting the end of our world and the beginning of theirs? I have come across such a creature in my travels. Trust me when I tell you that this harbinger of doom does exist….and it does signal something terrible. What horrible loathsome creature could I be referring to? Please…cover your children’s ears and avert their eyes……I….am…..talking about……GNOMES!!!!
But rest assured that the brightest forsaken minds are currently studying these creatures. Horde experts believe gnomes may be some form of mutated dwarf, but even yuckier, twisted by demonic forces for some evil purpose that is not clear yet. It is suspected at this time that there is actually no heart inside their chests. They appear to be animated by some horrible and unknown magic. However, our undead scientists have confirmed that despite their apparently demonic origin, they can be exterminated by conventional methods. Remember, they are small and quick, so a large hammer or axe works quite well. But heed my warning….when you see that little bald head and long white mustachio bouncing menacingly down the path, eliminate it immediately. Don’t even allow it a word as it will surely throw a curse upon you that will leave you begging for a quick death. As you hunt stag in the forests of Ashenvale and you see a flash of pink hair flipping and bouncing about in a most malignant fashion, do not hesitate…for it surely will not. Flee for your life or destroy it without remorse.
Now I know there are those who say these evil bundles of hellish destruction are not so bad. But listen to me now my Horde brethren…these are the same people who said blood elves would be a good addition to our faction….and we know where that went. Gnomes could very well be the next scourge upon our beautiful land. As has been done with many invasive pests, they must be controlled and exterminated. To help ensure success, you can currently turn in gnome scalps for one gold apiece in Orgrimmar. Just ask a helpful guard, they’ll be happy to point you in the right direction.
On a related note, the gnome experiments in Undercity have revealed that while they are evil minions of wanton death and destruction, they are also quite tasty. In fact most Innkeepers throughout Azeroth will be more than happy to purchase gnome meat from you for up to two gold a pound!
Keep both eyes open brothers. For the Horde!

No comments:

Post a Comment