Friday, April 30, 2010

Brain Block

So yeah....I was going to write this really awesome something today. It was gonna kick ass! I hadn't decided whether I'd write a shaman healing guide, a heroic instance guide, a "how not to raid" guide or a "how to kill gnome mages in battlegrounds" guide. But seriously....take my word for it, any one of those would have been awesome! Anybody reading them would have been totally amazed and enlightened! But....I couldn't think of anything. I had nowhere near enough knowledge to create any sort of useful post. Nor did I have the organizational or writing skills to put such knowledge to good use. I have no graphs, links or pictures.

So instead, I've decided to make a noob guide to WoW. This would be good for someone who has no WoW experience, no video game experience, no fantasy/sci-fi movie or book experience, comic books or anything remotely imaginitive.

1. Okay, so its The Alliance vs The Horde- They're 2 teams who fight each other. Why? Because if they didn't the game would shut it and hold your questions till the end. The Alliance are the gay looking guys and the midgets, oh and the blue guys. They suck. They're the weaker team. The Horde are the cool looking guys with horns and tusks and sharp teeth and stuff. What? Those gay looking guys? Yeah...those are blood elves. They are gay but for some reason they got put on our team. I think to even things out. Only pre-teen boys and chicks play them, so don't worry. And I said to hold your questions till the end.

2. Choosing your guy.
If you suck and are a weakling and you chose Alliance, it doesn't really matter what race you chose. Humans, dwarves, gnomes, night elves and the blue guys. Doesn't matter which you choose, they all suck. Now they are going to get these cool werewolf guys pretty soon, so even though they're Alliance, they are pretty cool and I can accept you making one of them. What? Are we getting a new race? Ah...I don't want to talk about that right now.

Now for Horde:
You can be the green guys...orcs...who are awesome.
You can be the blue guys....trolls, who are also awesome.
You can be one of the big hairy bull guys....who are awesome.
You can be one of these cool flesh munching zombie guys too...they are awesome.
What? That pretty blond guy? can't be one of them. I told you, those are blood elves. They're not even full members of the Horde. They're like conditional members. They're on probation. Why? Because! Look at them! You ought to see them dance! It's awful...awful! Just never mind. On to classes.

3. Choosing your class.

Warrior-you get to run up and smash stuff.
Rogue-you get to sneak around behind stuff and then smash it.
Shaman-you can smash stuff, heal stuff and shoot stuff with lightning bolts out of your fingers. Yeah I
Mage-you wear a dress.
Priest-you also wear a dress but later on you get to turn into a dark, shadow guy and melt stuff. In a dress.
Druid-Sorta like shaman. You can smash stuff from the front, the back, heal stuff and shoot stars and leaves and nature crap outta your hands. Yeah...pretty cool. And, you get to turn into a mutant sea lion.
Hunter-You have a big mean animal pet that does all the work for you while you shoot stuff from a safe distance.
Paladin-no, these suck...these are what the gay guys are. If you chose alliance, you can go ahead and make one of these guys.
Death Knight-You get to run up and smash stuff and have everyone tell you that you're overpowered and retarded.
Warlocks-Also wear a dress, but you're evil and get to curse alot.

4. Now to start.
Use the keyboard or the mouse to move around. Find guys with yellow exclamation points floating above them. Do what they tell you to do. When you're done, go back. They should have a big floating question mark now. Talk to them. When you see things with names in red, kill them. You can smash them or pew pew them with your laser/lightning/gun/bow/explosive nature crap. Keep doing this for hours a day.

5. End game.
Now you can join raids and dungeon groups and get lots of cool stuff and pretend to be super cool riding around on your gay sparkle pony and have people tell you that you suck and should learn to play. Enjoy!

Disclaimer-this is tongue in cheek. In no way do I actually believe that all alliance members, paladins and/or sparkle ponies are gay (although I'm pretty sure blood elves are). And even if they were, there wouldn't be anything wrong with that.


  1. Dwarfs aren't Gay. Just sayin.

  2. shamans are pretty awesome... even the gay blue ones like i play. :o)

  3. Paladins DO suck! Totally. Have you seen a male blood elf die? With the hand raised toward the sky in Shatner-esque dramatic form... ridiculous!

  4. Cantique-agreed, male dwarves...nothing gay about female dwarves...that's another story.

    Shamrockgirl-at least your gay blue guy is a shammy ;)

    Zelmaru-my point exactly....drama queens.